My own personal Monster-in-Law

I know, I know. All the stories about horrid mothers-in-law are so cliche. But I was awoken at 11:oo pm last night to be informed my own personal horror would be visiting us today. I would rather have been awoken and told that our front porch collapsed, or the street sweeper destroyed my truck, or even that one of the boys was suddenly a female or something. My husband has no warm and cozy feeling sof rhis mother, either. She visits us once every six months for an hour or two. in another cliche, nothing I do is right. I'm too young for my husband (I really must do something to remedy that), I'm a bad housekeeper, a bad cook, a bad mother. The kids are 4. They always have scatches, bruises and scraped knees. But as soon as she spots one of them, she'll grab them and turn them to me, and this is how the dialogue goes:
MIL: "What happened? What did you do?"
me: "He fell down, Joyce."
MIL: "Why did you let him fall down?"
me: "I didn't let him fall I pushed him down!"
So, now I must be off to clean and polish my house. Maybe I should loofah down my lizards so that any shedding skin doesn't offend her eyes or something. Also, I have to abuse my children a little, so that she can play affectionate-and-caring-grandmother. Plus, I have to throw all my husband's clothes into the yard and grub them up a little, and then leave them in a basket outside the laundry room. (That's a little extra so she can say I'm not taking care of him, either) If I knew what plane she was coming in on, I'd call in a bomb threat. Her #1 reason I'm a horrible person who should not be entrusted with anything? (For real here, people) I'm a natural blue-eyed blonde that stands 5' 7" and weigh 130 lbs. Apparently to her, I don't look "real" and I will probably abandon my family and run off with some Latino lover, only to end up whoring myself on the street for $10 a trick.
On a side note that is completely, totally unrelated: Does anyone know where I can pick up some arsenic cheap? Or possibly belladonna?