Saturday, May 23, 2009

Come to the Dark Side. We have.......cable?

Ah, cable. The wonder of dozens of channels just waiting for you to pick up that remote. I like to say that I have not had cable (not even basic, not even the one single news channel that almost everyone can pick up) since the day I moved out of my parents house almost exactly ten years ago. I did, however, enjoy a brief stint of about 6 months with satellite. That was made even more pleasurable since we lived next door to a guy who worked for DSS, and he rigged our satellite card to pick up EVERY SINGLE FRICKIN STATION. Like, 700 channels. We could watch pay-per-view sports and porn and new release movies all for free.

But I digress.

Our family got cable yesterday, about 16 hours ago to be exact. No one in this house has spoken to each other. OldestSon is ensconced in his room, not able to decide on one channel, but clicking through them at a speed fast enough to induce seizures in even the most staid person. MiddleSon is damn-near orgasmic by the fact we have not one but four channels that show almost nothing but baseball 24 hours a day. YoungestSon, our 3 and 1/2 year old, just likes to stand in front of whichever TV he can so that you can't see through him. And my DearHusband has developed ADD in the last 12 hours: "Hey honey! Super Plasma Beast is on channel 42. But Cold Forensic Investigators in on 61! And they're showing CSI: Cleveland on 12! Agh!!! How do I choose? Oh no! Look, it's The Ghost Catcher Paranormal Adventure Show on station 33!" (Cue blubbering tears)

There is one major change in cable since I was a wee girl. I did not know "fuck" was acceptable on some of the paid cable stations. And I don't mean HBO or Showtime. I'm too cheap to subscribe to those. But about 1/3 of the stations throw it around now like nothing. I watched a funny ass Aussie comedian last night who said it about 6 x a minute. But what the fuck was I watching an Aussie stand-up guy for? Huh. Because it was on, I suppose, and there wasn't very many commercial breaks.

Okay, commercials. Of course I knew I'd have to deal with them again and I have quite a few things to say on the subject. For the last few years, everyone has said, "Oh did you see the commercial with...." or "I really hate that ad that....." Sorry, no cable, don't know, don't really care.

I have read and heard a lot of things about the vile marketing targeted at our kids. I hated the companies that produced these ads when I heard that my kid could watch something like 10,000 ads a year for their sugar-and-fat-laden products. Can I tell you something in secret? Seriously, don't tell anyone. I did not see ONE SINGLE ad for junk food or candy in my hours of spaced-out-couch-potatoed-ness. I saw one single fast food as for Taco Bell. Ronald's ugly mug didn't show up once. I also saw only one commercial for breakfast cereal, and that was about an hour ago as my kids had Spongebob on. But they are watching what now passes for Saturday morning cartoons, so if I don't hear "I'm lovin' it" I'll be shocked I tell ya.

I did see dozens of ads for pills. Pills of every make and model. Pills to make you fat or thin. Pills to make you happy or calm you down. Pills for every disease real or imagined. And, of course, "natural male enhancement." Sorry, not touching that with a 20 foot pole. (That's what she said....*snicker*)

Late late late last night every other ad I saw was for mattresses, especially Craftmatic adjustable beds and Tempurpedic. Especially that Tempur one. Let me say one thing about that commercial. It starts out with a man & woman kind of hugging on a bed. The camera pans back and you see the bed, complete bed not just a mattress, is sitting on the edge of a pool in the middle of a huge field. What the holy blue fuck is that about?

Then I thought all these companies were morons. (Well, I think that a lot, but it was really prominent about 2 am last night) Who the hell decides to buy a mattress, a quite expensive one, at 3 am? I mean, do they think all these lazy fatasses are just lying in be.........ah. Nevermind.

And while I was flipping between Forensic Files and Mythbusters, I discovered a gem. A very annoying gem, but one nonetheless. John and Kate plus 8. Huh. I watched about 13 episodes of this last night. Wow. Since it was a marathon type thing, I saw the kids as babies, as 3 year olds, I watched as that nagging bitch had her stomach fixed. But none of it was in order, chronologically, so I'm still a bit confused. Judging by the previews for the next show, I'm guessing they split up or something. But I'm still going to tune in Monday @ 9 to catch the premier of the summer season. I hate myself.