Okay, so you have this baby, and its hungry. You should be used to this by now...right? Well, he's a guide for those who are not quite beginners.
1. Retrieve hungry crying baby from under the table/ behind the chair/ out of the laundry room.
2. Place him in highchair or other desired feeding aparatus. Once he climbs out, place him in it again.
3. Securely attach a bib to the front of baby. Staples work best, but all but the most stalwart of babes will cry. Try SuperGlue.
4. Gather jars of baby food and spoon.
5. If need, heat food in microwave.
6. Place a large protective mat over you, floor and anything else non-washable in the immediate vicinty.
7. Spoon food into baby's mouth. Now stop him from crying. The food was too hot? Next time check the temperature, idiot.
8. Spoon more food into baby's mouth.
9. Now wipe that spoonful off baby's cheek, chin, forehead, whatever.
10. Retrieve spoon after baby whacks it (complete with pureed spinach) out of your hand.
11. Continue until baby is full, or food is gone.
12. Get large bucket of soapy water and scrub off highchair, walls, etc.
13. Call the drycleaners for a quote on how much it will cost to get pureed spinach out of wool.
14. Wait two hours and start all over again.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Friday, April 21, 2006
More dumbing down of America
WARNING: For all those who think that American society consists of mainly intellectual people, or that we on a whole are smarter than other nations, you may want to skip this part. These labels all came from products people here use everyday!
On a Duraflame fireplace log: "Caution: Risk of Fire."
On a compact disc player: "Do not use the Ultradisc 2000 as a projectile in a catapult."
On a propane torch: "Never use while sleeping."
On a box of rat poison: "Warning-Has been found to cause cancer in labratory mice."
On an air conditioner: "Avoid dropping unit out of window."
On a vacuum cleaner: "Do not use to pick up anything that is currently burning."
On a Batman costume: "Warning-Cape does not enable user to fly."
On a bottle of hair dye: "Do not use as an ice-cream topping."
On a curling iron: "Warning-This product can burn eyes."
On a cardboard windshield screen: "Do not drive with sunshield in place."
On a toner cartridge: "Do not eat toner."
On a toilet bowl cleaning brush: "Do not use orally."
On a pair of shin guards: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
On a portable stroller: "Caution-Remove infant before folding for storage."
On a plastic, 13-inch wheelbarrow wheel: "Not intended for highway use."
On a laser pointer: "Do not look into laser with remaining eye."
In a microwave oven manual: "Do not use for drying pets."
In the instructions for a digital thermometer: "Do not use orally after using rectally."
These are all honest-to-goodness labels. What bothers me isn't the fact that manufacturers have to warn people about things like this; it's the fact that for them to be added, someone must have done it, or asked the company about it. Scary shit, huh??
On a Duraflame fireplace log: "Caution: Risk of Fire."
On a compact disc player: "Do not use the Ultradisc 2000 as a projectile in a catapult."
On a propane torch: "Never use while sleeping."
On a box of rat poison: "Warning-Has been found to cause cancer in labratory mice."
On an air conditioner: "Avoid dropping unit out of window."
On a vacuum cleaner: "Do not use to pick up anything that is currently burning."
On a Batman costume: "Warning-Cape does not enable user to fly."
On a bottle of hair dye: "Do not use as an ice-cream topping."
On a curling iron: "Warning-This product can burn eyes."
On a cardboard windshield screen: "Do not drive with sunshield in place."
On a toner cartridge: "Do not eat toner."
On a toilet bowl cleaning brush: "Do not use orally."
On a pair of shin guards: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
On a portable stroller: "Caution-Remove infant before folding for storage."
On a plastic, 13-inch wheelbarrow wheel: "Not intended for highway use."
On a laser pointer: "Do not look into laser with remaining eye."
In a microwave oven manual: "Do not use for drying pets."
In the instructions for a digital thermometer: "Do not use orally after using rectally."
These are all honest-to-goodness labels. What bothers me isn't the fact that manufacturers have to warn people about things like this; it's the fact that for them to be added, someone must have done it, or asked the company about it. Scary shit, huh??
This is why I prefer swimming pools
*Sharks can detect the heartbeats of other fish
*Mako sharks have been known to jump into the very fishing boats that are pursuing them.
*Bull sharks have been known to kill hippopotamuses in African rivers
*Approximately 10 times more men than women are attacked by sharks (though this doesn't ease my mind any)
*While in a feeding frenzy, some sharks bite their own bodies as they twist and turn
*A 730-pound mako shark caught off Bimini in the Bahamas contained in it's stomach a 120-pound swordfish--with the sword still intact
*Lemon sharks grow a whole new set of teeth every two weeks
*Sharks have a sixth sense. They can navigate by sensing changes in the earth's magnetic field
*Sharks will continue to atteck even when disemboweled
*Greenland sharks have been observed eating reindeer that fall through ice
*Some sharks can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water
*Bull sharks have been knownt o pursue their victims onto land
*The jaws of an 8-foot shark exert a force of 20 tons per square inch
*The average shark can swallow anything half its size in one gulp
*The original idea for steak knives derived from shark's teeth
*Approximately 100 shark attacks on humans occur world wide each year
So go ahead and scuba dive in those crystal-blue, bath-tub warm waters. Slip ont hat wet suit and dive down to explore. That's their territory, and they were here first. Okay, i give up......they win! Maybe, just maybe, if a shark and his family move into the house next door, I'll be a little more open minded about getting in the ocean.
*Mako sharks have been known to jump into the very fishing boats that are pursuing them.
*Bull sharks have been known to kill hippopotamuses in African rivers
*Approximately 10 times more men than women are attacked by sharks (though this doesn't ease my mind any)
*While in a feeding frenzy, some sharks bite their own bodies as they twist and turn
*A 730-pound mako shark caught off Bimini in the Bahamas contained in it's stomach a 120-pound swordfish--with the sword still intact
*Lemon sharks grow a whole new set of teeth every two weeks
*Sharks have a sixth sense. They can navigate by sensing changes in the earth's magnetic field
*Sharks will continue to atteck even when disemboweled
*Greenland sharks have been observed eating reindeer that fall through ice
*Some sharks can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water
*Bull sharks have been knownt o pursue their victims onto land
*The jaws of an 8-foot shark exert a force of 20 tons per square inch
*The average shark can swallow anything half its size in one gulp
*The original idea for steak knives derived from shark's teeth
*Approximately 100 shark attacks on humans occur world wide each year
So go ahead and scuba dive in those crystal-blue, bath-tub warm waters. Slip ont hat wet suit and dive down to explore. That's their territory, and they were here first. Okay, i give up......they win! Maybe, just maybe, if a shark and his family move into the house next door, I'll be a little more open minded about getting in the ocean.
DON'T
Don't get mad. Don't get even. Just get elected...then get even.
Don't marry a man to reform him-that's what reform schools are for.
Don't ever send a man window shopping. He'll come back carrying a window.
Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive.
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.
Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you'll have to ram it down their throats.
Don't meet trouble halfway. It's quite capable of making the entire journey.
Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guy's out dancing.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Don't blame God, He's only human.
Don't dig for water under an outhouse.
Don't just do something, stand there.
Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Don't marry a man to reform him-that's what reform schools are for.
Don't ever send a man window shopping. He'll come back carrying a window.
Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive.
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.
Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you'll have to ram it down their throats.
Don't meet trouble halfway. It's quite capable of making the entire journey.
Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guy's out dancing.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Don't blame God, He's only human.
Don't dig for water under an outhouse.
Don't just do something, stand there.
Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
New Rules For Dieters
Ok, it's that season again when I realize it is 6 weeks or so until I will be seen in a bikini. I look better now than I did in high school, and for that I'm extremely grateful. However, having a baby this winter has added a few extra pounds I'd rather not be carrying. So I invented some rules of my own to help shed the poundage.
1. Calories are afraid of heights. My mother taught me this one. You place all your junky, fatty foods on the highest shelves of the cupboard and the calories, who are running for their lives, will simply jump out.
2. Calories consumed while driving or while working on the computer do not count.
3. Any food eaten at parties or picnics or any type of holiday/family affair will not add to your fat factor. It is just not fair to ask your body to fight off food consumed at something you were invited to (this is doubly so if you had to purchase and bring a gift to said party).
4. If you don't remember eating it, it doesn't count either.
5. Eating candy from the kids' Easter baskets doesn't matter. After all, it's their candy, not yours.
6. It is perfectly okay to eat something like broccoli or cauliflower smothered with cheese. Duh! It's broccoli!
7. Any food consumed during the preparation of other food doesn't count.
8. If you haven't eaten anything else at all all day long, half a bag of Cheetos will consume the space in your body that is vacant, and will not add extra fat.
9. If you use a cookie jar that makes noise when opened, or one of those refridgerator policemen, use a piece of duct tape over the speaker, or better yet, take out the batteries. Theory being that if no one hears, it didn't happen.
10. From now on, all the following will count as exercise: Singing in the shower, typing, carrying a heavy laundry detergent bottle from the car to the washing machine, shoe shopping, manicures & pedicures, and of course, brushing your teeth.
Happy dieting, and good luck!
1. Calories are afraid of heights. My mother taught me this one. You place all your junky, fatty foods on the highest shelves of the cupboard and the calories, who are running for their lives, will simply jump out.
2. Calories consumed while driving or while working on the computer do not count.
3. Any food eaten at parties or picnics or any type of holiday/family affair will not add to your fat factor. It is just not fair to ask your body to fight off food consumed at something you were invited to (this is doubly so if you had to purchase and bring a gift to said party).
4. If you don't remember eating it, it doesn't count either.
5. Eating candy from the kids' Easter baskets doesn't matter. After all, it's their candy, not yours.
6. It is perfectly okay to eat something like broccoli or cauliflower smothered with cheese. Duh! It's broccoli!
7. Any food consumed during the preparation of other food doesn't count.
8. If you haven't eaten anything else at all all day long, half a bag of Cheetos will consume the space in your body that is vacant, and will not add extra fat.
9. If you use a cookie jar that makes noise when opened, or one of those refridgerator policemen, use a piece of duct tape over the speaker, or better yet, take out the batteries. Theory being that if no one hears, it didn't happen.
10. From now on, all the following will count as exercise: Singing in the shower, typing, carrying a heavy laundry detergent bottle from the car to the washing machine, shoe shopping, manicures & pedicures, and of course, brushing your teeth.
Happy dieting, and good luck!
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
consumerism and new bunk beds
I spent a long day yesterday helping my husband to assemble bunk beds for our two oldest boys. It was one of those kits from Kmart with everything you need laid out nice and simple, but the directions could have been in mandarin chinese for all the help they were. Anyway, I noticed how every single board had a little sticker on it with the number and "Made in Viet Nam" on it. So I'm standing in the kids' room sorrounded by about $2,000 worth of toys that my kids have. Most of them were all bought in the last two years or so, as kids their age tend to cycle through toys pretty quickly. There was enough stuff to fill a land fill in there. At least the boys are grateful, and they do take care of their things. My boys haven't been hit with the worst of consumerism, because we don't get cable or watch regular TV or anything. So I don't have to put up with them begging for toys every five minutes that they see on commercials. But anyway, I'm standing there staring at these stickers thinking that some mal-nourished kid named Yu Phat earned the equivalent of $2.16 spending all day painting the beds for my over-priveledged children. But the worst part is I didn't really mind.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
I confess.....
I bite my toenials.
I don't get the Matrix movies.
I think Tom Petty is pretty sexy.
I used to have a crush on Data (the asian kid) from the Goonies.
Donald Sutherland is hotter than Keifer.
Zombie movies totally freak me out, even cheesy ones.
I always wondered how Samwise stayed so chubby even though they did all that walking and climbing and they didn't have much food.
I don't get the Matrix movies.
I think Tom Petty is pretty sexy.
I used to have a crush on Data (the asian kid) from the Goonies.
Donald Sutherland is hotter than Keifer.
Zombie movies totally freak me out, even cheesy ones.
I always wondered how Samwise stayed so chubby even though they did all that walking and climbing and they didn't have much food.
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