Yep, not a huge loss, but one I'm proud of. I'll even share the secret to my success. Are you ready for it?
Diet and exercise.
Surprising, huh? No magic fat-melting pills, no fad food programs, no weight-loss group like WW that cost $XX a month plus food.
I cut calories and fat and did about 30-45 minutes of moderate workouts everyday. Isn't it amazing? Why has everyone been keeping this from us all these years?! Those bastards.
The only "fad" thing I did was replace the diet soda I was drinking with unsweetened green tea. (Totally unsweetened, no sugar, no artificial stuff. Blech). I was drinking a LOT of diet soda.
I forced myself to get up and do something. Instead of sitting watching TV, I got up and cleaned out a closet. Rather than lay on the couch and read a book, I rearranged the cluttered shelves in the study.
And you know what else? I'm going to keep doing it. I know it's drastic, but those 5 pounds are just the tip of the iceberg.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
The Advertising Writers Just Aren't Putting In The Effort They Used To.......
Commercials and advertising in general is a big business, right? And commercials cost a lot of money to film & air, right? My vast years of movie-watching have of course made me an expert on this.
So I am going to describe what is officially the Dumbest Ad Ever. And I think you will agree.
Firstly, it starts off with Brooke Shields. This should be all the evidence you need, but I'll continue. If you are using Shields as your spokeswoman, you have already lost your "edge."
Anyway, Brooke goes on to describe some stuff I didn't really listen to.
Then I hear this: "For the health of my mouth, my dentist recommends Colgate Total." And about 1.6 seconds after this we have a shot of the dentist who says "For the health of your mouth, I recommend Colgate Total."
Ooooooookay.
I am assuming this bit of dialogue was written by the janitor while the Ad Team was on a lunch break. Come on people, you have about 20-30 seconds to grab my attention and make me want to buy your product. Redundant much?
So I am going to describe what is officially the Dumbest Ad Ever. And I think you will agree.
Firstly, it starts off with Brooke Shields. This should be all the evidence you need, but I'll continue. If you are using Shields as your spokeswoman, you have already lost your "edge."
Anyway, Brooke goes on to describe some stuff I didn't really listen to.
Then I hear this: "For the health of my mouth, my dentist recommends Colgate Total." And about 1.6 seconds after this we have a shot of the dentist who says "For the health of your mouth, I recommend Colgate Total."
Ooooooookay.
I am assuming this bit of dialogue was written by the janitor while the Ad Team was on a lunch break. Come on people, you have about 20-30 seconds to grab my attention and make me want to buy your product. Redundant much?
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Top Ten Things the World Can Do Without
I have spent the last few weeks watching cable and....well, actually just watching cable. Not much else has gotten done. I have been inundated with the "Top" lists: Ten Best Bikini Bodies, Ten Fatal Women, Twenty Horrifying Hollywood Murders. (And who decides these anyway? I know I wasn't consulted. I think that #12 of that last list should be the death of the show FARSCAPE, but of course nobody asked me!) So I have made my own list.
10 THINGS THE WORLD CAN DO WITHOUT (the television edition):
10) Bilingual cartoons. Uno! Dos! Tres! How cute. Now teach the kids something they might really need to translate in life. Hey boys and girls: ¡Hice una bomba en forma de tubo hoy!
9) Kendra and other "celebrity" reality shows. (You're on TV because you're famous: you're famous because you're on TV. Do you see the vicious cycle?) But especially Kendra. That laugh make my brain itch.
8) Ads for Viagra and Viagra rip-offs. Does anyone else find these as creepy as I do? Trust me, if a guy wants/needs it, he'll Google it.
7) CD compilations and anthologies of music nobody listened to or bought the first time it was released.
6) Pitch men. These guys will get enthusiastic about hamster food if they're paid enough.
5) Celebrity reality shows. Oh wait, I mentioned that one already? I guess that's because the world can really really do without them.
4) Any show that has "Dumbest" or "Wildest" in the title. Even if it has D-List celebrity commentators. Especially if it has D-List celebrity commentators.
3) Kate. Jon + 8 can stay. For now.
2) Any television program that shows me how I can transform my moderate suburban home into a moderate suburban home with a $15,000 laundry room.
1) The combining of celebrity couple names. 'Nuff said.
10 THINGS THE WORLD CAN DO WITHOUT (the television edition):
10) Bilingual cartoons. Uno! Dos! Tres! How cute. Now teach the kids something they might really need to translate in life. Hey boys and girls: ¡Hice una bomba en forma de tubo hoy!
9) Kendra and other "celebrity" reality shows. (You're on TV because you're famous: you're famous because you're on TV. Do you see the vicious cycle?) But especially Kendra. That laugh make my brain itch.
8) Ads for Viagra and Viagra rip-offs. Does anyone else find these as creepy as I do? Trust me, if a guy wants/needs it, he'll Google it.
7) CD compilations and anthologies of music nobody listened to or bought the first time it was released.
6) Pitch men. These guys will get enthusiastic about hamster food if they're paid enough.
5) Celebrity reality shows. Oh wait, I mentioned that one already? I guess that's because the world can really really do without them.
4) Any show that has "Dumbest" or "Wildest" in the title. Even if it has D-List celebrity commentators. Especially if it has D-List celebrity commentators.
3) Kate. Jon + 8 can stay. For now.
2) Any television program that shows me how I can transform my moderate suburban home into a moderate suburban home with a $15,000 laundry room.
1) The combining of celebrity couple names. 'Nuff said.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Come to the Dark Side. We have.......cable?
Ah, cable. The wonder of dozens of channels just waiting for you to pick up that remote. I like to say that I have not had cable (not even basic, not even the one single news channel that almost everyone can pick up) since the day I moved out of my parents house almost exactly ten years ago. I did, however, enjoy a brief stint of about 6 months with satellite. That was made even more pleasurable since we lived next door to a guy who worked for DSS, and he rigged our satellite card to pick up EVERY SINGLE FRICKIN STATION. Like, 700 channels. We could watch pay-per-view sports and porn and new release movies all for free.
But I digress.
Our family got cable yesterday, about 16 hours ago to be exact. No one in this house has spoken to each other. OldestSon is ensconced in his room, not able to decide on one channel, but clicking through them at a speed fast enough to induce seizures in even the most staid person. MiddleSon is damn-near orgasmic by the fact we have not one but four channels that show almost nothing but baseball 24 hours a day. YoungestSon, our 3 and 1/2 year old, just likes to stand in front of whichever TV he can so that you can't see through him. And my DearHusband has developed ADD in the last 12 hours: "Hey honey! Super Plasma Beast is on channel 42. But Cold Forensic Investigators in on 61! And they're showing CSI: Cleveland on 12! Agh!!! How do I choose? Oh no! Look, it's The Ghost Catcher Paranormal Adventure Show on station 33!" (Cue blubbering tears)
There is one major change in cable since I was a wee girl. I did not know "fuck" was acceptable on some of the paid cable stations. And I don't mean HBO or Showtime. I'm too cheap to subscribe to those. But about 1/3 of the stations throw it around now like nothing. I watched a funny ass Aussie comedian last night who said it about 6 x a minute. But what the fuck was I watching an Aussie stand-up guy for? Huh. Because it was on, I suppose, and there wasn't very many commercial breaks.
Okay, commercials. Of course I knew I'd have to deal with them again and I have quite a few things to say on the subject. For the last few years, everyone has said, "Oh did you see the commercial with...." or "I really hate that ad that....." Sorry, no cable, don't know, don't really care.
I have read and heard a lot of things about the vile marketing targeted at our kids. I hated the companies that produced these ads when I heard that my kid could watch something like 10,000 ads a year for their sugar-and-fat-laden products. Can I tell you something in secret? Seriously, don't tell anyone. I did not see ONE SINGLE ad for junk food or candy in my hours of spaced-out-couch-potatoed-ness. I saw one single fast food as for Taco Bell. Ronald's ugly mug didn't show up once. I also saw only one commercial for breakfast cereal, and that was about an hour ago as my kids had Spongebob on. But they are watching what now passes for Saturday morning cartoons, so if I don't hear "I'm lovin' it" I'll be shocked I tell ya.
I did see dozens of ads for pills. Pills of every make and model. Pills to make you fat or thin. Pills to make you happy or calm you down. Pills for every disease real or imagined. And, of course, "natural male enhancement." Sorry, not touching that with a 20 foot pole. (That's what she said....*snicker*)
Late late late last night every other ad I saw was for mattresses, especially Craftmatic adjustable beds and Tempurpedic. Especially that Tempur one. Let me say one thing about that commercial. It starts out with a man & woman kind of hugging on a bed. The camera pans back and you see the bed, complete bed not just a mattress, is sitting on the edge of a pool in the middle of a huge field. What the holy blue fuck is that about?
Then I thought all these companies were morons. (Well, I think that a lot, but it was really prominent about 2 am last night) Who the hell decides to buy a mattress, a quite expensive one, at 3 am? I mean, do they think all these lazy fatasses are just lying in be.........ah. Nevermind.
And while I was flipping between Forensic Files and Mythbusters, I discovered a gem. A very annoying gem, but one nonetheless. John and Kate plus 8. Huh. I watched about 13 episodes of this last night. Wow. Since it was a marathon type thing, I saw the kids as babies, as 3 year olds, I watched as that nagging bitch had her stomach fixed. But none of it was in order, chronologically, so I'm still a bit confused. Judging by the previews for the next show, I'm guessing they split up or something. But I'm still going to tune in Monday @ 9 to catch the premier of the summer season. I hate myself.
But I digress.
Our family got cable yesterday, about 16 hours ago to be exact. No one in this house has spoken to each other. OldestSon is ensconced in his room, not able to decide on one channel, but clicking through them at a speed fast enough to induce seizures in even the most staid person. MiddleSon is damn-near orgasmic by the fact we have not one but four channels that show almost nothing but baseball 24 hours a day. YoungestSon, our 3 and 1/2 year old, just likes to stand in front of whichever TV he can so that you can't see through him. And my DearHusband has developed ADD in the last 12 hours: "Hey honey! Super Plasma Beast is on channel 42. But Cold Forensic Investigators in on 61! And they're showing CSI: Cleveland on 12! Agh!!! How do I choose? Oh no! Look, it's The Ghost Catcher Paranormal Adventure Show on station 33!" (Cue blubbering tears)
There is one major change in cable since I was a wee girl. I did not know "fuck" was acceptable on some of the paid cable stations. And I don't mean HBO or Showtime. I'm too cheap to subscribe to those. But about 1/3 of the stations throw it around now like nothing. I watched a funny ass Aussie comedian last night who said it about 6 x a minute. But what the fuck was I watching an Aussie stand-up guy for? Huh. Because it was on, I suppose, and there wasn't very many commercial breaks.
Okay, commercials. Of course I knew I'd have to deal with them again and I have quite a few things to say on the subject. For the last few years, everyone has said, "Oh did you see the commercial with...." or "I really hate that ad that....." Sorry, no cable, don't know, don't really care.
I have read and heard a lot of things about the vile marketing targeted at our kids. I hated the companies that produced these ads when I heard that my kid could watch something like 10,000 ads a year for their sugar-and-fat-laden products. Can I tell you something in secret? Seriously, don't tell anyone. I did not see ONE SINGLE ad for junk food or candy in my hours of spaced-out-couch-potatoed-ness. I saw one single fast food as for Taco Bell. Ronald's ugly mug didn't show up once. I also saw only one commercial for breakfast cereal, and that was about an hour ago as my kids had Spongebob on. But they are watching what now passes for Saturday morning cartoons, so if I don't hear "I'm lovin' it" I'll be shocked I tell ya.
I did see dozens of ads for pills. Pills of every make and model. Pills to make you fat or thin. Pills to make you happy or calm you down. Pills for every disease real or imagined. And, of course, "natural male enhancement." Sorry, not touching that with a 20 foot pole. (That's what she said....*snicker*)
Late late late last night every other ad I saw was for mattresses, especially Craftmatic adjustable beds and Tempurpedic. Especially that Tempur one. Let me say one thing about that commercial. It starts out with a man & woman kind of hugging on a bed. The camera pans back and you see the bed, complete bed not just a mattress, is sitting on the edge of a pool in the middle of a huge field. What the holy blue fuck is that about?
Then I thought all these companies were morons. (Well, I think that a lot, but it was really prominent about 2 am last night) Who the hell decides to buy a mattress, a quite expensive one, at 3 am? I mean, do they think all these lazy fatasses are just lying in be.........ah. Nevermind.
And while I was flipping between Forensic Files and Mythbusters, I discovered a gem. A very annoying gem, but one nonetheless. John and Kate plus 8. Huh. I watched about 13 episodes of this last night. Wow. Since it was a marathon type thing, I saw the kids as babies, as 3 year olds, I watched as that nagging bitch had her stomach fixed. But none of it was in order, chronologically, so I'm still a bit confused. Judging by the previews for the next show, I'm guessing they split up or something. But I'm still going to tune in Monday @ 9 to catch the premier of the summer season. I hate myself.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Wow. I really am quite stupid
You see, I darn near killed myself trying to retreive a mini Reese Cup Egg from it's hiding spot.
On my computer desk is a little cupboard. This is the kind with no handle or anything, but that you push a corner of to get it to pop open. This desk is really old, and I think we are the 5th or 6th owners as it gets passed from house to house. The cupboard doesn't always pop open when you press it, and I really should've known better than to hide a candy stash there since it sticks so much.
But, as I said, my Reese cup eggs (the white ones, mmmmm) are hidden in there. I finish a ton of housework and stuff this morning and decide to reward myself. But the cupboard sticks. I pound on it for 5 minutes and it still won't pop. **Brilliant idea coming** I grab a thin metal ruler to stick in there and try to pry it open. But apparently this pressboard desk is more powerful than a piece of steel. The ruler bends a little, comes loose, and then flings back and cracks me right in the nose, on that spot on the bridge that brings instant tears to your eyes. Pissed off and blind with tears, I lean against the desk. And my hand hits the cupboard door. And it pops open. Just for that - I'm eating TWO Reese eggs.
But thinking back, this is still not as stupid as the day I almost killed myself with paprika. I had made deviled eggs and the container of paprika was still open on the counter after I finsihed putting most everything away and cleaned up. I picked it up to put it away and a cloud of fine red dust rose from the container. I sneezed, banged my head forward on the bottom of the cupboard and fell flat on my ass on the floor - out cold. I came to just a few minutes later, hand banging, and the paprika still in my hand.
On my computer desk is a little cupboard. This is the kind with no handle or anything, but that you push a corner of to get it to pop open. This desk is really old, and I think we are the 5th or 6th owners as it gets passed from house to house. The cupboard doesn't always pop open when you press it, and I really should've known better than to hide a candy stash there since it sticks so much.
But, as I said, my Reese cup eggs (the white ones, mmmmm) are hidden in there. I finish a ton of housework and stuff this morning and decide to reward myself. But the cupboard sticks. I pound on it for 5 minutes and it still won't pop. **Brilliant idea coming** I grab a thin metal ruler to stick in there and try to pry it open. But apparently this pressboard desk is more powerful than a piece of steel. The ruler bends a little, comes loose, and then flings back and cracks me right in the nose, on that spot on the bridge that brings instant tears to your eyes. Pissed off and blind with tears, I lean against the desk. And my hand hits the cupboard door. And it pops open. Just for that - I'm eating TWO Reese eggs.
But thinking back, this is still not as stupid as the day I almost killed myself with paprika. I had made deviled eggs and the container of paprika was still open on the counter after I finsihed putting most everything away and cleaned up. I picked it up to put it away and a cloud of fine red dust rose from the container. I sneezed, banged my head forward on the bottom of the cupboard and fell flat on my ass on the floor - out cold. I came to just a few minutes later, hand banging, and the paprika still in my hand.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
A completely self-serving whiny-ass post
Just to get it off my chest. Of course, i take another hiatus from posting, and then I have to come on here and dump all this crap off.
Okay, so my DarlingHusband has his oldest son, henceforth known as SmartAss. staying with us. SmartAss is working with Darling, trying to save up money, get a place of his own, and move his girlfriend (Henceforth known as MeanBitch) up here. But before I get onto the whiny-ass part, you need some background.
Darling had a screwed up childhood, and a mostly screwed up adulthood to be honest. So he has (or thinks he has) a lot to atone for. So he has this odd way of showing it to the people he harbors guilt over. SmartAss stayed with us for a year when he was 14-15. When he first moved in, it was Darling, myself, MiddleSon (who was 2 at the time) and SmartAss. And Darling was all "Son! Son! Sorry i was such a shit! Let me shower you with attention and money and show you how great I really am!" Fast forward about 5 months. Darling and I get custody of his other son, (who was about 3 at the time, and is now always referred to as my Oldest Son, since I have raised him.) And the processed repeated itself: "Son! Son!" So on and so forth. Fast forward about a year. SmartAss moves back with his mother, several states away, at the end of the school year. Darling's Brother moves in with us after being released from a vacation with the federal penal system. You know what's coming: "Brother! Brother!" Well, Brother ended up with us for a year and a half, and it went so seriously sour I can't even get into it here. Anyway, we had a peaceful for years, and added Youngest Son to our family. So you see, when Smart Ass moved in with us at the beginning of October, it started all over again.
Now I'll try to explain about SmartAss. He is almost 20. And he acts like it. Darling and I have gotten as far as we have by having a cordial, polite relationship. I know many couples who argue over petty things and call each other names and stuff, but Darling and I do not do that. We are not rude or sarcastic to each other. We actually like each other. SmartAss comes into the picture and starts getting lippy. Just the usual wise cracking smart ass comments that are not appreciated by the person who cleans the house, does all the laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc for three adults and three young boys. And I do not need Oldest Son and Middle Son hearing that crap either. In this house at least, respecting your mother still means something.
SmartAss is a new dad. My little step-grandson is about three weeks old at the time of this posting. His mother is MeanBitch, and she lives several states away from us. Mean Bitch also has 2 toddlers from a previous relationship. Needless to say, I do not want MeanBitch living up here. I have enough drama of my own, thank you very much. MeanBitch and Smartass have nightly 2 hour long phone conversations where they do nothing but yell and insult each other. MeanBitch keeps our phone lines buzzing all hours of the night and day.
Anyway, I have about had it. SmartAss is an eating machine. Food that was planned to last for 5 or 6 meals is getting eaten in 2. He s lazy and does nothing to help around the house. Case in point: a few weeks ago, I was sick. Not just sick....but sick! I had a horrible flu and pink eye in both eyes. I was lying on the couch, trying to ignore everybody and everything. SmartAss and Darling come home from work and proceed to shower and eat dinner that I had ready for them. Neither SmartAss nor Darling have a lot of work clothes, so i had been doing a load of laundry nightly. earlier this day, I had done a load of the other kids' clothes, and they were still in the washer. SmartAss yells from the laundry room that he "can't put his stuff in because there is stuff already in it". So I drag my ass off the couch and switch loads. Now seriously, how hard would it have been for a healthy hardy young man to take wet clothes from the washer and place them in the dryer?! Apparently, it was just too damn hard. So is doing dishes, even ones he creates all for himself that were not part of a meal I cooked. And picking up after himself. Or making his bed. Or putting his clean folded laundry away after I finish with it. Or picking up a few groceries at the store to replace the ones he uses. The kid ate 4 packages of ramen noodles in one sitting at lunch, and then packed away 4 pork chops, rice and corn for dinner. (He skipped the beans - the one thing I make that he won't touch) Hot dogs and mac n cheese? I can no longer cook 10 hot dogs and one box of mac. I know have to make at least 16-18 hot dogs and no less than three boxes of mac. 4 bowls of cereal for breakfast, 4 grilled cheese sandwiches as a 'snack' after dinner. You get the idea.
And of course, SmartAss is making plenty of money working for Darling. He sends a good chunk of it down to MeanBitch. The rest he spends on fast food (which Darling and i do not buy on principal), bowling, junk food, etc.
And if MeanBitch does move up here - we have another problem. This woman (though i hesitate to call her that) has no idea how to live on her own. She never has. She has no way to set up a home for herself and her children. (She is 21, by the way) I asked SmartAss what kind of furniture and stuff they had that would need to be moved up here. Nothing. A few old mattresses for the kids, and some toys. Oh wait! Not quite 'nothing' he adds. The kids each have one of those $400 Power Wheels ride-on toys, and they have two computers and a big screen TV. But no couches or tables or chairs or dishes or pots and pans or curtains or a microwave or any appliances or towels or anything else you need. Sorry, you do not "need" a big screen TV. You do "need" a refrigerator. Darling and I do not have the money to help them get set up. (Well, we sort of do, but with Christmas and two kids birthdays coming up, not to mention bills) We have been trying to clean out and declutter ourselves, and have sold or given away almost all of our extra household crap. Also, I do not particularly want to help SmartAss and MeanBitch.
And with SmartAss and MeanBitch, I also would get the drama of CrazyDrunk, who is SmartAss's biological mom, who lives in his home state. All these years, I have been so thankful that CrazyDrunk lives so far away. But now her "only grandbaby" would be moving up here. And with them would be ThugChick, SmartAss's juvenile delinquent and high-school dropout little sister who enjoys spending her days sleeping around and beating up her current boyfriend's mom. No, I am not making this up.
I have had enough........
Okay, so my DarlingHusband has his oldest son, henceforth known as SmartAss. staying with us. SmartAss is working with Darling, trying to save up money, get a place of his own, and move his girlfriend (Henceforth known as MeanBitch) up here. But before I get onto the whiny-ass part, you need some background.
Darling had a screwed up childhood, and a mostly screwed up adulthood to be honest. So he has (or thinks he has) a lot to atone for. So he has this odd way of showing it to the people he harbors guilt over. SmartAss stayed with us for a year when he was 14-15. When he first moved in, it was Darling, myself, MiddleSon (who was 2 at the time) and SmartAss. And Darling was all "Son! Son! Sorry i was such a shit! Let me shower you with attention and money and show you how great I really am!" Fast forward about 5 months. Darling and I get custody of his other son, (who was about 3 at the time, and is now always referred to as my Oldest Son, since I have raised him.) And the processed repeated itself: "Son! Son!" So on and so forth. Fast forward about a year. SmartAss moves back with his mother, several states away, at the end of the school year. Darling's Brother moves in with us after being released from a vacation with the federal penal system. You know what's coming: "Brother! Brother!" Well, Brother ended up with us for a year and a half, and it went so seriously sour I can't even get into it here. Anyway, we had a peaceful for years, and added Youngest Son to our family. So you see, when Smart Ass moved in with us at the beginning of October, it started all over again.
Now I'll try to explain about SmartAss. He is almost 20. And he acts like it. Darling and I have gotten as far as we have by having a cordial, polite relationship. I know many couples who argue over petty things and call each other names and stuff, but Darling and I do not do that. We are not rude or sarcastic to each other. We actually like each other. SmartAss comes into the picture and starts getting lippy. Just the usual wise cracking smart ass comments that are not appreciated by the person who cleans the house, does all the laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc for three adults and three young boys. And I do not need Oldest Son and Middle Son hearing that crap either. In this house at least, respecting your mother still means something.
SmartAss is a new dad. My little step-grandson is about three weeks old at the time of this posting. His mother is MeanBitch, and she lives several states away from us. Mean Bitch also has 2 toddlers from a previous relationship. Needless to say, I do not want MeanBitch living up here. I have enough drama of my own, thank you very much. MeanBitch and Smartass have nightly 2 hour long phone conversations where they do nothing but yell and insult each other. MeanBitch keeps our phone lines buzzing all hours of the night and day.
Anyway, I have about had it. SmartAss is an eating machine. Food that was planned to last for 5 or 6 meals is getting eaten in 2. He s lazy and does nothing to help around the house. Case in point: a few weeks ago, I was sick. Not just sick....but sick! I had a horrible flu and pink eye in both eyes. I was lying on the couch, trying to ignore everybody and everything. SmartAss and Darling come home from work and proceed to shower and eat dinner that I had ready for them. Neither SmartAss nor Darling have a lot of work clothes, so i had been doing a load of laundry nightly. earlier this day, I had done a load of the other kids' clothes, and they were still in the washer. SmartAss yells from the laundry room that he "can't put his stuff in because there is stuff already in it". So I drag my ass off the couch and switch loads. Now seriously, how hard would it have been for a healthy hardy young man to take wet clothes from the washer and place them in the dryer?! Apparently, it was just too damn hard. So is doing dishes, even ones he creates all for himself that were not part of a meal I cooked. And picking up after himself. Or making his bed. Or putting his clean folded laundry away after I finish with it. Or picking up a few groceries at the store to replace the ones he uses. The kid ate 4 packages of ramen noodles in one sitting at lunch, and then packed away 4 pork chops, rice and corn for dinner. (He skipped the beans - the one thing I make that he won't touch) Hot dogs and mac n cheese? I can no longer cook 10 hot dogs and one box of mac. I know have to make at least 16-18 hot dogs and no less than three boxes of mac. 4 bowls of cereal for breakfast, 4 grilled cheese sandwiches as a 'snack' after dinner. You get the idea.
And of course, SmartAss is making plenty of money working for Darling. He sends a good chunk of it down to MeanBitch. The rest he spends on fast food (which Darling and i do not buy on principal), bowling, junk food, etc.
And if MeanBitch does move up here - we have another problem. This woman (though i hesitate to call her that) has no idea how to live on her own. She never has. She has no way to set up a home for herself and her children. (She is 21, by the way) I asked SmartAss what kind of furniture and stuff they had that would need to be moved up here. Nothing. A few old mattresses for the kids, and some toys. Oh wait! Not quite 'nothing' he adds. The kids each have one of those $400 Power Wheels ride-on toys, and they have two computers and a big screen TV. But no couches or tables or chairs or dishes or pots and pans or curtains or a microwave or any appliances or towels or anything else you need. Sorry, you do not "need" a big screen TV. You do "need" a refrigerator. Darling and I do not have the money to help them get set up. (Well, we sort of do, but with Christmas and two kids birthdays coming up, not to mention bills) We have been trying to clean out and declutter ourselves, and have sold or given away almost all of our extra household crap. Also, I do not particularly want to help SmartAss and MeanBitch.
And with SmartAss and MeanBitch, I also would get the drama of CrazyDrunk, who is SmartAss's biological mom, who lives in his home state. All these years, I have been so thankful that CrazyDrunk lives so far away. But now her "only grandbaby" would be moving up here. And with them would be ThugChick, SmartAss's juvenile delinquent and high-school dropout little sister who enjoys spending her days sleeping around and beating up her current boyfriend's mom. No, I am not making this up.
I have had enough........
Friday, September 05, 2008
Teaching my son everything he needs to know....on the way to football practice
I am blessed with three sons. My oldest is an inquisitive sort, which I -usually- greatly encourage. I have honed his manners enough that his questions are no longer of the "Why is that man bald?" and "how come that lady is so fat?" variety. I have told him that any time he asks me an intelligent question, I will answer to the best of my ability. I have become quite good, if I do say so myself, at explaining difficult things at eight-year-old level.
Now, five days a week, OldestSon and I make the 1/4 mile 10 minute drive to football practice. Some days we take the scenic drive by the river, othre times it's through the center of town, hitting every red light along the way. And of course, my town thought it good planning to stick a red light every 20 feet through our busy 'downtown' section. (Downtown consists of 4 blocks and about a dozen businesses.)
We pass a small family-owned pizza chain that shut down recently. Dear OldestSon asks why it closed. Cue a brief but informative talk about Huge Corporations versus Small Family-Owned Business. Somehow, in that short drive, I got through to him. My son now hates WalMart. :-p
On the way home, I was telling him to take a quick shower once we got home, because MiddleSon would need one too, and we still had spelling words to do before bedtime. Cue an 8 minute explanation of water heaters. (In kidspeak, a hot water heater is like keeping a pot of boiling water on the stove. If you use it all, you can fill it back up, but it needs time to heat up again).
Sitting at home last night after the kids were in bed, it dawned on me that since football started in late July, OldestSon and I have had some interesting, intelligent and certainly diversified conversations.
Abraham Lincoln, slavery, a brief history of the civil war (this came up because he wanted to know why Lincoln was important enough to get on a coin *and* a bill)
The war in Iraq, the WTC attacks (because, sadly, we lost some young men in our town over there, and he was curious about the new memorial)
Hybrid cars, electric cars, the (ridiculous) price of gas
Why riverfront property costs more, real estate costs in general (Why is anyone homeless? he asks, When there are all these houses?)
Sadly, my own education seems to be lacking, because there have been quite a few questions I actually had to go home and google so I could answer them. The most recent example was: what animal does pepperoni come from. Huh. Um.....pig? Maybe? (P.S. after reading exactly what pepperoni is, I am seriously considering plain cheese pizza from now on)
I feel good, somehow, knowing my son is learning things he wouldn't otherwise. I feel better knowing that it is me he chooses to ask. And I feel best when i hear him explaining it to someone else.
However, I am still dodging the question about where babies come from.
Now, five days a week, OldestSon and I make the 1/4 mile 10 minute drive to football practice. Some days we take the scenic drive by the river, othre times it's through the center of town, hitting every red light along the way. And of course, my town thought it good planning to stick a red light every 20 feet through our busy 'downtown' section. (Downtown consists of 4 blocks and about a dozen businesses.)
We pass a small family-owned pizza chain that shut down recently. Dear OldestSon asks why it closed. Cue a brief but informative talk about Huge Corporations versus Small Family-Owned Business. Somehow, in that short drive, I got through to him. My son now hates WalMart. :-p
On the way home, I was telling him to take a quick shower once we got home, because MiddleSon would need one too, and we still had spelling words to do before bedtime. Cue an 8 minute explanation of water heaters. (In kidspeak, a hot water heater is like keeping a pot of boiling water on the stove. If you use it all, you can fill it back up, but it needs time to heat up again).
Sitting at home last night after the kids were in bed, it dawned on me that since football started in late July, OldestSon and I have had some interesting, intelligent and certainly diversified conversations.
Abraham Lincoln, slavery, a brief history of the civil war (this came up because he wanted to know why Lincoln was important enough to get on a coin *and* a bill)
The war in Iraq, the WTC attacks (because, sadly, we lost some young men in our town over there, and he was curious about the new memorial)
Hybrid cars, electric cars, the (ridiculous) price of gas
Why riverfront property costs more, real estate costs in general (Why is anyone homeless? he asks, When there are all these houses?)
Sadly, my own education seems to be lacking, because there have been quite a few questions I actually had to go home and google so I could answer them. The most recent example was: what animal does pepperoni come from. Huh. Um.....pig? Maybe? (P.S. after reading exactly what pepperoni is, I am seriously considering plain cheese pizza from now on)
I feel good, somehow, knowing my son is learning things he wouldn't otherwise. I feel better knowing that it is me he chooses to ask. And I feel best when i hear him explaining it to someone else.
However, I am still dodging the question about where babies come from.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
The trials & tribulations of Saturday
Yesterday was a busy day for us. The town hosted a safety day for the kids in the morning (basic first aid, how to handle minor emergencies, etc) followed by a Fireman's Parade The parade was actually, I think, intended as a jab at the businesses along our small town's main street. You see, at the last Christmas parade, the shops all got together and requested that the ambulances & firetrucks NOT use their sirens when going down these 2 blocks. The way the buildings are set up, the sound just reverberates & echos and feels 10x as loud as normal. So they didn't get to use the sirens in the December parade. And then they planned a parade and invited about 60 ambulances & fire trucks from neighboring areas. And blasted their sirens All. Along. Main Street. Go them, that is exactly my idea of revenge. They did at least hand out ear plugs before it started for the spectators.
Then we had OldestNephew's bday party. Just your usual party for an 11 yo boy. Nephew's father, my wonderful (*snort*) Brother, is however, and amateur comedian. Or thinks he is. He was setting up one of the new presents so the kids could go outside and play with it. This toy happened to be a pitching machine for whiffle balls. He set it up, and turned it on. Inside the house. Without thinking that my 2.5 yo ToddlerSon was sitting directly in front of him. So ToddlerSon has a nice little welt on his cheek from that.
Later in the evening was supposed to be the swim party for the baseball league. I tell you this to show that my kids were a little amped up from the day (not to mention candy from the parade, cake & ice cream and more candy) but the time 6 pm rolled around.
As time for the swim party rolled around, the sky was getting really [b]really[/b] dark. Severe thunderstorms opened up at 5:45, and the party had to be postponed.
The power goes out at 6. Since it didn't flicker and didn't come back on within 10-15 minutes, we knew we'd be dark for awhile. I had planned on all of us eating BBQ at the party, but that fell through. So we ended up with a cheese & cracker dinner by candle light (which the kids thought was fantastic and we should do at least once a week). Followed by the ice cream that was melting in the freezer.
We played cards for a bit (you may remember from a previous post that my kids are becoming quite the little Blackjack players), and then switched over to hit our stockpile of board games: yahtzee, chutes & ladders, boggle, kids scrabble, go fish, etc. And then it got too dark to see.
We retreated into the living room where DH & I flopped on the couch, the kids on the floor, and we all laid around, staring at the ceiling and whining about being bored. DH & I started talking about nothing, and of course the subject got on to certain movies and actors and the like. I must have started to get up a dozen times to "Put that one in, I haven't seen it for ages." before realizing I was an idiot. Not to mention how many times I tried to turn the fan on.
Just to [s]shut everyone up[/s] keep the peace, I started the kids playing 20 questions. Which we ended up doing for over 2.5 hours and had a blast. Dh thought we were being stupid, and wouldn't join in at first. But 20 questions (or in my house, 2400 questions, 326 silly guesses, and 289 cries of "I give up! What is it?") is addictive to those around you. And to my DearestHusband (*Double snort*) saying "This is something that can be found in, around or on the ocean" and then the item in question is a dive watch......well, I want to keep this post PG so I won't say what I thought about that.
When the power did come back on (by then we were all punch-drunk tired and laughing like crazy) the kids actually were going "Oh, noooooo! Can we keep playing? Pleeeeeease??" So we went around, shut everything off, relit the candles and played for another hour. It turned out to be one of the most fun evenings we've had for awhile.
Then we had OldestNephew's bday party. Just your usual party for an 11 yo boy. Nephew's father, my wonderful (*snort*) Brother, is however, and amateur comedian. Or thinks he is. He was setting up one of the new presents so the kids could go outside and play with it. This toy happened to be a pitching machine for whiffle balls. He set it up, and turned it on. Inside the house. Without thinking that my 2.5 yo ToddlerSon was sitting directly in front of him. So ToddlerSon has a nice little welt on his cheek from that.
Later in the evening was supposed to be the swim party for the baseball league. I tell you this to show that my kids were a little amped up from the day (not to mention candy from the parade, cake & ice cream and more candy) but the time 6 pm rolled around.
As time for the swim party rolled around, the sky was getting really [b]really[/b] dark. Severe thunderstorms opened up at 5:45, and the party had to be postponed.
The power goes out at 6. Since it didn't flicker and didn't come back on within 10-15 minutes, we knew we'd be dark for awhile. I had planned on all of us eating BBQ at the party, but that fell through. So we ended up with a cheese & cracker dinner by candle light (which the kids thought was fantastic and we should do at least once a week). Followed by the ice cream that was melting in the freezer.
We played cards for a bit (you may remember from a previous post that my kids are becoming quite the little Blackjack players), and then switched over to hit our stockpile of board games: yahtzee, chutes & ladders, boggle, kids scrabble, go fish, etc. And then it got too dark to see.
We retreated into the living room where DH & I flopped on the couch, the kids on the floor, and we all laid around, staring at the ceiling and whining about being bored. DH & I started talking about nothing, and of course the subject got on to certain movies and actors and the like. I must have started to get up a dozen times to "Put that one in, I haven't seen it for ages." before realizing I was an idiot. Not to mention how many times I tried to turn the fan on.
Just to [s]shut everyone up[/s] keep the peace, I started the kids playing 20 questions. Which we ended up doing for over 2.5 hours and had a blast. Dh thought we were being stupid, and wouldn't join in at first. But 20 questions (or in my house, 2400 questions, 326 silly guesses, and 289 cries of "I give up! What is it?") is addictive to those around you. And to my DearestHusband (*Double snort*) saying "This is something that can be found in, around or on the ocean" and then the item in question is a dive watch......well, I want to keep this post PG so I won't say what I thought about that.
When the power did come back on (by then we were all punch-drunk tired and laughing like crazy) the kids actually were going "Oh, noooooo! Can we keep playing? Pleeeeeease??" So we went around, shut everything off, relit the candles and played for another hour. It turned out to be one of the most fun evenings we've had for awhile.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
My Cujo-esque Moment - Literally
We live next door to some really good people. To give you the set up, there is out house, Big Daddy's house and Little Man's house. Big & Little (father & son, obviously) have their yards fenced in together. Little & His wife are very nice folks. Their boy plays with our kids, we chat when we see each other, the usual neighborly crap.
Little has 2 huge Saint Bernards. One is very large, and not very friendly. The other is a bit smaller and okay. They try to keep them under lock and key becuase our 'hood has lots of young kids. In case you forgot, this is what a St Bernard looks like:
Anyway, there has never been a problem. As a side note, I should add that while my DH is scared of dogs, I have never been in my entire life. Now, we have recently acquired our own puppy. He is about 12 weeks old, and while he looks like a yellow lap pup, in reality he is just a mutt. Here is Loki:
I manage to calmy walk past the St B, shaking and looking a lot like this:
The St B is on my ass. He wants a chunk of it apparently. I, naturally, have grown accustomed to having my ass intact. My only thought is that I was going to be mauled on my birthday. Like I said, I have never been frightened of an animal in my life. I know how to handle one that is pissed. I walk slow & calm (though inside I'm giving my best horror movie bimbo scream) and don't make any loud noise or sudden movement. Not only did I envision my mauling/demise, I tell you in my mind, I was attending my own funeral.
But I make it onto Big's porch. Barely. Thankfully, Big's wife answers my knock pretty quickly. When I tell her my problem, she gets ready to bolt back inside, leaving me stranded. Turns out she's scared of the St B's too. Again, thankfully, Big comes out to handle the situation. He yells at the barking snarling drooling dog, and funnily enough, the dog almost looks ashamed of itself. Big gets his slippers on, walks off the porch, and smacks this beast on its nose. I'm thinking Big is going to lose a chunk of his arm. And that this is as good a time as any to make my escape. So I, heroically, jump over Big's porch railing and sprint the yard to my own. I don't think I've moved that fast since I was 15. Husband and kids are at the window, watching everything. They want to laugh, but even they admit that my rail jump was pretty cool.
We tried to go back to our card game like nothing was wrong. DH did shut the big glass door, though. And Loki, my own ever vigilant watch dog, slept through the whole thing. I'm not going to tell him what happened, no sense making him feel bad about it now. But I don't think the St B has forgotten me. I think it's only the beginning.
Little has 2 huge Saint Bernards. One is very large, and not very friendly. The other is a bit smaller and okay. They try to keep them under lock and key becuase our 'hood has lots of young kids. In case you forgot, this is what a St Bernard looks like:
Anyway, there has never been a problem. As a side note, I should add that while my DH is scared of dogs, I have never been in my entire life. Now, we have recently acquired our own puppy. He is about 12 weeks old, and while he looks like a yellow lap pup, in reality he is just a mutt. Here is Loki:
Okay, so Thursday evening (my *grumble grumble* X age birthday) my DH and our 2 older sons (age 8 & 6) are in our kitchen playing BlackJack. We think it's important to teach them these vital life skills early. We have our big sliding glass door open with the only the screen in. Loki is tied up out back. I glance over between hands and see a gigantic face looking back in at me. It's the bigger of the 2 St B's. My first fear is Loki. This dog could eat him in one bite. My second is that there is only a flimsy screen between this horse and my children & I.
So while the monster, er beast, I mean dog is nosing around the yard, I slip out the front door to inform neighbors their ogre has gotten off it's leash. Trust me, this is something they'd want to know. They are responsible pet owners. The few times the giants have gotten out, you usually see Little & his wife in hot pursuit. Since I didn't see either of them this time, I knew they didn't know. As I go to Little's house, I see the St B coming around the front of mine. It sees me on what he views (rightly) as his porch, and he is coming fast. I am knocking on the door as fast as I can. (I didn't mean to knock that way, but by then my hand was shaking uncontrollably by then.) And of course, no answer. The St B is now blocking on my exit. He is barking & growling and does not look happy. I decide to try Big's house, since it is his son's dog, afterall.I manage to calmy walk past the St B, shaking and looking a lot like this:
The St B is on my ass. He wants a chunk of it apparently. I, naturally, have grown accustomed to having my ass intact. My only thought is that I was going to be mauled on my birthday. Like I said, I have never been frightened of an animal in my life. I know how to handle one that is pissed. I walk slow & calm (though inside I'm giving my best horror movie bimbo scream) and don't make any loud noise or sudden movement. Not only did I envision my mauling/demise, I tell you in my mind, I was attending my own funeral.
But I make it onto Big's porch. Barely. Thankfully, Big's wife answers my knock pretty quickly. When I tell her my problem, she gets ready to bolt back inside, leaving me stranded. Turns out she's scared of the St B's too. Again, thankfully, Big comes out to handle the situation. He yells at the barking snarling drooling dog, and funnily enough, the dog almost looks ashamed of itself. Big gets his slippers on, walks off the porch, and smacks this beast on its nose. I'm thinking Big is going to lose a chunk of his arm. And that this is as good a time as any to make my escape. So I, heroically, jump over Big's porch railing and sprint the yard to my own. I don't think I've moved that fast since I was 15. Husband and kids are at the window, watching everything. They want to laugh, but even they admit that my rail jump was pretty cool.
We tried to go back to our card game like nothing was wrong. DH did shut the big glass door, though. And Loki, my own ever vigilant watch dog, slept through the whole thing. I'm not going to tell him what happened, no sense making him feel bad about it now. But I don't think the St B has forgotten me. I think it's only the beginning.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Don't panic..... I'm here now.
Okay people listen up. Now that I have officially been put in charge, there are going to be some drastic changes around here. This has been a long time coming, but it will be all right now. First and foremost is the issue of my official title. We should have our priorities, after all. I prefer "The Fairest Queen Amanda" but only because "The All-Knowing Trash Heap" is already taken.
Don't worry, I'm keeping everything fairly simple. And there's no point arguing, I'm not listening.
Let's start with the basics: Income tax is gone. No more of that crap. From now on, everybody just keep what they make. If you make $7/hour, that is what you will take home. Daylight Savings Time is a thing of the past as well. But only because no one has ever given me a truly good explanation or reason for it. Next, there will no longer, *ever* be a change in postal rates. I'm tired of buying new stamps every six months.
Now for those important little details:
Businesses must now keep set hours for everyday they are open. Example: My bank is open from 8-4 Monday thru Wednesday, 8:30-5 on Thursday, 8-5 on Friday, and 9:30-3:30 on Saturday. That is just damn ridiculous and nobody can ever remember when they are allowed in. The bank is officially open from 8-5.
Clothing sizes will become standard among brands. Example: I bought 3 pairs of jeans from three manufacturers. They all fit me exactly the same. One pair is an 8, one is a 10, and one is a 12. Again, ridiculously complicated.
On that same note: printer ink cartridges and cell phone chargers are also now going to be industry-wide standard.
Only the driver of the car is allowed to see or speak. Just like seat belts, it will now be law that all passengers who enter a car be blindfolded and gagged. I have three kids, I don't think I need to give an example on this one.
All movies will now be given an intelligence rating as well as a violence/language one. So that really dumb movie can be rated PG-13/D- and you can save the $8 on a movie ticket. I'm talking to you people who made things like Lake Placid 2 and Judge Dread.
Children's names like Ztyphannie and Braetleighn are now forbidden.
Those who have the hardest (yet least recognized) positions in the world, like teachers and nurses, are my Deputy Queens and should be treated accordingly.
And finally:
Thou shalt not yell at a police officer for giving you a ticket that you *know* you deserve
Thou shalt not throw garbage in thy neighbor's yard
Thou shalt not talk about a great party in front of those who are not invited
Thou shalt not talk or use text messaging in a theatre or cinema
Thou shalt not dispense of any body fluids in public places
Thou shalt not honk a horn/blare a radio in a residential neighborhood before 7 am
Thou shalt not take up more than one parking space in a lot
As always, these subjects are subject to change at any time, for any reason, or even just because I have a headache.
Don't worry, I'm keeping everything fairly simple. And there's no point arguing, I'm not listening.
Let's start with the basics: Income tax is gone. No more of that crap. From now on, everybody just keep what they make. If you make $7/hour, that is what you will take home. Daylight Savings Time is a thing of the past as well. But only because no one has ever given me a truly good explanation or reason for it. Next, there will no longer, *ever* be a change in postal rates. I'm tired of buying new stamps every six months.
Now for those important little details:
Businesses must now keep set hours for everyday they are open. Example: My bank is open from 8-4 Monday thru Wednesday, 8:30-5 on Thursday, 8-5 on Friday, and 9:30-3:30 on Saturday. That is just damn ridiculous and nobody can ever remember when they are allowed in. The bank is officially open from 8-5.
Clothing sizes will become standard among brands. Example: I bought 3 pairs of jeans from three manufacturers. They all fit me exactly the same. One pair is an 8, one is a 10, and one is a 12. Again, ridiculously complicated.
On that same note: printer ink cartridges and cell phone chargers are also now going to be industry-wide standard.
Only the driver of the car is allowed to see or speak. Just like seat belts, it will now be law that all passengers who enter a car be blindfolded and gagged. I have three kids, I don't think I need to give an example on this one.
All movies will now be given an intelligence rating as well as a violence/language one. So that really dumb movie can be rated PG-13/D- and you can save the $8 on a movie ticket. I'm talking to you people who made things like Lake Placid 2 and Judge Dread.
Children's names like Ztyphannie and Braetleighn are now forbidden.
Those who have the hardest (yet least recognized) positions in the world, like teachers and nurses, are my Deputy Queens and should be treated accordingly.
And finally:
Thou shalt not yell at a police officer for giving you a ticket that you *know* you deserve
Thou shalt not throw garbage in thy neighbor's yard
Thou shalt not talk about a great party in front of those who are not invited
Thou shalt not talk or use text messaging in a theatre or cinema
Thou shalt not dispense of any body fluids in public places
Thou shalt not honk a horn/blare a radio in a residential neighborhood before 7 am
Thou shalt not take up more than one parking space in a lot
As always, these subjects are subject to change at any time, for any reason, or even just because I have a headache.
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