Monday, October 05, 2009

Sunday, October 04, 2009

My own personal Emmy Awards, Part I

After a few glorious months of watching cable, I have taken it upon myself to grade the shows and even the commericals we so graciously pay $50/month for. The so-called Real Emmys are a trumped-up lot of fluff that, in my ever-so-humble opinion, have nothing to do with actual viewers' opinions. And, of course, my categories will not resemble the Real ones in any way, shape or form. But mine are probably better. Oh, and I also just threw in a bunch of comments about stuff kinda randomly.

So the winners for 2009, (which I dub the Year of the Nurse Show) are:

The winner for the show with the most superfluous amount of judges, hosts commentators, etc goes to: Iron Chef America. Really, how many frickin' people need to be in the hallowed Kitchen Stadium at any given time? Is Alton Brown that hard up for money? And why can't he just be the one to walk around and report what's going on on the floor? Do we even need that other guy whsoe name no one can ever remember anyway??

The winner for the show that proves a girl really will do almost anything to get on TV: Man vs. Food. Have you ever paid any attention to how many chicks go up and kiss the man I believe to be the nastiest, greasy slob to ever grace a cable network?

The winner for the company whose cheesy commercials are most likely to bring tears to your eyes: AT&T. Come on, tell me that "lost dog" ad didn't make you tear up.

The winner for the stupidest commercial (of the week, at least): The one that begins with "1 out of every 4 women can misread a traditional pregnancy test." Seriously? Then 1 out of 4 women need to be sterilized to protect the gene pool.

The winner for the most over-done theme: Vampire Anything. Really, it's over. Move on.

The winner for the dead celebrity we're all tired of hearing about: Michael, of course. Did you really even need me to announce the answer to this one?

The winner for the dead celebrity who didn't get near enough coverage because of other events: Farrah Fawcett. Poor, poor Fallen Angel.

And let's not forget our other winners, who are all the celebrities who DIDN'T sell out to a reality show.

Honorable mentions:

Best possible new show ideas: The Kardashians Take Kosovo, Stacy London Will Do a Commerical For Anything, TLC Special Truth Be Told: I Maimed Flav-R-Flav


I pride myself on my better-than-average command of the English language. I am quite a good speller, I only use words when I am sure of their correct punctuation and context, and I try not to leave any participles dangling. However, I find myself with the sometimes misfortune to find myself paired with a partner who butchers this language on an almost daily basis.

Quick Example: This summer, I was explaining something to our kids and I used the phrase "as the crow flies" when I was talking about distance. Well, my dear husband picked it up and filed it away for later use. For the next two weeks or so, he used "as the crow flies" as often as possible without once getting it right. Say he was trying to tell me what happened in a movie or TV show that I missed. Instead of giving me all the tedious details ("and then House sneezed") he would say, "well then, as the crow flies he just decided to...." Let's not get into his use of the words "florensics" (yes, he puts an 'L' in there) or "coupe."

Tonight's example: All three kids are asleep and he and I are enjoying a rare treat: actually watching a show together without constant noise and/or interruptions. A man used a word completely inappropriately and I groaned and expressed my displeasure to Dear Husband. Dear Husband agreed. "Yeah," he says, "he's just trying to sound smart. He used that word totally out of contest."

I repeat: aaarrrrggghhhh!!!

Thursday, September 03, 2009

The Secret Life of the American Preschooler

Exciting, huh? Yes, my youngest son has been introduced into the wide world that is the public school system. Pity the fools that saw his name on the registrar and still decided to keep the doors open.

Today was day two for him.

3:31 pm: Exit bus talking excitedly but totally incomprehensibly.
3:34 pm: Enter house and strew shoes, socks, backpack, crayons and art projects from front door to kitchen
3:41 pm: Eat snack, preferably whatever was leftover in the lunchbox that has now been sitting lukewarm for about 3 hours
3:55 pm: Still in excited rush-mode, run figure eights through the hall-study-living room with a plastic light saber
4:04 pm: Fall asleep on the living room floor in front of Spongebob rerun

I think I like preschool

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Conspiracy or Coincidence?

One thing you should know about me: I am not a conspiracy theorist. Really. However, I do believe the moon landing was staged. I don't think it was done with malice, but I do think it was done.

Another thing you should know: I worship at the alter of my public library. Best. Place. On. Earth.

That said.....

I was reading a magazine article the other day and they used a book, published in 1999, as a source. I jotted down the title to search for in the inter-library loan system(state-wide). When I went to search, the book was not in the system. That's not so unusual all by itself. Afterall, there are something like 5 million books in print at any given time and I do not really expect the Ohio library system to purchase a copy of each one. So instead of searching for a specific title, I did a general search. I tried "moon landing hoax" "apollo 11 hoax" and every variation I could think of. There is not a single book about the subject available through Ohio public libraries. Odd.

So just to amuse myself (and my inner Paranoid was curious) I googled some books about the JFK assassination, particularly those that suggested the government/CIA/lemurs on crack did it. I wrote down 7-8 titles. One interesting one was pretty bold, the title was something like "Why the CIA killed Kennedy." Then I went back to the library site. They don't carry any of those books either.

Now I know the library needs permission to purchase every book. I know the state or whoever has the ultimate power to say which books are ultimately allowed to end up on the shelves for the reading public. But, really? I issue the challenge that nobody can find a book that says the U.S. government did something 'wrong.' The library just won't carry them. (Yep, I know history is written by the winners - I went to public school after all)

Part of me wants to say it's a conspiracy. (looking over shoulder furtively) But I'm not that kind of person. Really.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Versatile, isn't it?

I have discovered that everyone I know, with the exception of siblings raised in the same house, make Ramen noodles in a different way.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

How I lost 5 pounds in 7 days

Yep, not a huge loss, but one I'm proud of. I'll even share the secret to my success. Are you ready for it?

Diet and exercise.

Surprising, huh? No magic fat-melting pills, no fad food programs, no weight-loss group like WW that cost $XX a month plus food.

I cut calories and fat and did about 30-45 minutes of moderate workouts everyday. Isn't it amazing? Why has everyone been keeping this from us all these years?! Those bastards.

The only "fad" thing I did was replace the diet soda I was drinking with unsweetened green tea. (Totally unsweetened, no sugar, no artificial stuff. Blech). I was drinking a LOT of diet soda.

I forced myself to get up and do something. Instead of sitting watching TV, I got up and cleaned out a closet. Rather than lay on the couch and read a book, I rearranged the cluttered shelves in the study.

And you know what else? I'm going to keep doing it. I know it's drastic, but those 5 pounds are just the tip of the iceberg.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Advertising Writers Just Aren't Putting In The Effort They Used To.......

Commercials and advertising in general is a big business, right? And commercials cost a lot of money to film & air, right? My vast years of movie-watching have of course made me an expert on this.

So I am going to describe what is officially the Dumbest Ad Ever. And I think you will agree.

Firstly, it starts off with Brooke Shields. This should be all the evidence you need, but I'll continue. If you are using Shields as your spokeswoman, you have already lost your "edge."

Anyway, Brooke goes on to describe some stuff I didn't really listen to.

Then I hear this: "For the health of my mouth, my dentist recommends Colgate Total." And about 1.6 seconds after this we have a shot of the dentist who says "For the health of your mouth, I recommend Colgate Total."


I am assuming this bit of dialogue was written by the janitor while the Ad Team was on a lunch break. Come on people, you have about 20-30 seconds to grab my attention and make me want to buy your product. Redundant much?

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Top Ten Things the World Can Do Without

I have spent the last few weeks watching cable and....well, actually just watching cable. Not much else has gotten done. I have been inundated with the "Top" lists: Ten Best Bikini Bodies, Ten Fatal Women, Twenty Horrifying Hollywood Murders. (And who decides these anyway? I know I wasn't consulted. I think that #12 of that last list should be the death of the show FARSCAPE, but of course nobody asked me!) So I have made my own list.

10 THINGS THE WORLD CAN DO WITHOUT (the television edition):

10) Bilingual cartoons. Uno! Dos! Tres! How cute. Now teach the kids something they might really need to translate in life. Hey boys and girls: ¡Hice una bomba en forma de tubo hoy!

9) Kendra and other "celebrity" reality shows. (You're on TV because you're famous: you're famous because you're on TV. Do you see the vicious cycle?) But especially Kendra. That laugh make my brain itch.

8) Ads for Viagra and Viagra rip-offs. Does anyone else find these as creepy as I do? Trust me, if a guy wants/needs it, he'll Google it.

7) CD compilations and anthologies of music nobody listened to or bought the first time it was released.

6) Pitch men. These guys will get enthusiastic about hamster food if they're paid enough.

5) Celebrity reality shows. Oh wait, I mentioned that one already? I guess that's because the world can really really do without them.

4) Any show that has "Dumbest" or "Wildest" in the title. Even if it has D-List celebrity commentators. Especially if it has D-List celebrity commentators.

3) Kate. Jon + 8 can stay. For now.

2) Any television program that shows me how I can transform my moderate suburban home into a moderate suburban home with a $15,000 laundry room.

1) The combining of celebrity couple names. 'Nuff said.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Come to the Dark Side. We have.......cable?

Ah, cable. The wonder of dozens of channels just waiting for you to pick up that remote. I like to say that I have not had cable (not even basic, not even the one single news channel that almost everyone can pick up) since the day I moved out of my parents house almost exactly ten years ago. I did, however, enjoy a brief stint of about 6 months with satellite. That was made even more pleasurable since we lived next door to a guy who worked for DSS, and he rigged our satellite card to pick up EVERY SINGLE FRICKIN STATION. Like, 700 channels. We could watch pay-per-view sports and porn and new release movies all for free.

But I digress.

Our family got cable yesterday, about 16 hours ago to be exact. No one in this house has spoken to each other. OldestSon is ensconced in his room, not able to decide on one channel, but clicking through them at a speed fast enough to induce seizures in even the most staid person. MiddleSon is damn-near orgasmic by the fact we have not one but four channels that show almost nothing but baseball 24 hours a day. YoungestSon, our 3 and 1/2 year old, just likes to stand in front of whichever TV he can so that you can't see through him. And my DearHusband has developed ADD in the last 12 hours: "Hey honey! Super Plasma Beast is on channel 42. But Cold Forensic Investigators in on 61! And they're showing CSI: Cleveland on 12! Agh!!! How do I choose? Oh no! Look, it's The Ghost Catcher Paranormal Adventure Show on station 33!" (Cue blubbering tears)

There is one major change in cable since I was a wee girl. I did not know "fuck" was acceptable on some of the paid cable stations. And I don't mean HBO or Showtime. I'm too cheap to subscribe to those. But about 1/3 of the stations throw it around now like nothing. I watched a funny ass Aussie comedian last night who said it about 6 x a minute. But what the fuck was I watching an Aussie stand-up guy for? Huh. Because it was on, I suppose, and there wasn't very many commercial breaks.

Okay, commercials. Of course I knew I'd have to deal with them again and I have quite a few things to say on the subject. For the last few years, everyone has said, "Oh did you see the commercial with...." or "I really hate that ad that....." Sorry, no cable, don't know, don't really care.

I have read and heard a lot of things about the vile marketing targeted at our kids. I hated the companies that produced these ads when I heard that my kid could watch something like 10,000 ads a year for their sugar-and-fat-laden products. Can I tell you something in secret? Seriously, don't tell anyone. I did not see ONE SINGLE ad for junk food or candy in my hours of spaced-out-couch-potatoed-ness. I saw one single fast food as for Taco Bell. Ronald's ugly mug didn't show up once. I also saw only one commercial for breakfast cereal, and that was about an hour ago as my kids had Spongebob on. But they are watching what now passes for Saturday morning cartoons, so if I don't hear "I'm lovin' it" I'll be shocked I tell ya.

I did see dozens of ads for pills. Pills of every make and model. Pills to make you fat or thin. Pills to make you happy or calm you down. Pills for every disease real or imagined. And, of course, "natural male enhancement." Sorry, not touching that with a 20 foot pole. (That's what she said....*snicker*)

Late late late last night every other ad I saw was for mattresses, especially Craftmatic adjustable beds and Tempurpedic. Especially that Tempur one. Let me say one thing about that commercial. It starts out with a man & woman kind of hugging on a bed. The camera pans back and you see the bed, complete bed not just a mattress, is sitting on the edge of a pool in the middle of a huge field. What the holy blue fuck is that about?

Then I thought all these companies were morons. (Well, I think that a lot, but it was really prominent about 2 am last night) Who the hell decides to buy a mattress, a quite expensive one, at 3 am? I mean, do they think all these lazy fatasses are just lying in be.........ah. Nevermind.

And while I was flipping between Forensic Files and Mythbusters, I discovered a gem. A very annoying gem, but one nonetheless. John and Kate plus 8. Huh. I watched about 13 episodes of this last night. Wow. Since it was a marathon type thing, I saw the kids as babies, as 3 year olds, I watched as that nagging bitch had her stomach fixed. But none of it was in order, chronologically, so I'm still a bit confused. Judging by the previews for the next show, I'm guessing they split up or something. But I'm still going to tune in Monday @ 9 to catch the premier of the summer season. I hate myself.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Wow. I really am quite stupid

You see, I darn near killed myself trying to retreive a mini Reese Cup Egg from it's hiding spot.
On my computer desk is a little cupboard. This is the kind with no handle or anything, but that you push a corner of to get it to pop open. This desk is really old, and I think we are the 5th or 6th owners as it gets passed from house to house. The cupboard doesn't always pop open when you press it, and I really should've known better than to hide a candy stash there since it sticks so much.

But, as I said, my Reese cup eggs (the white ones, mmmmm) are hidden in there. I finish a ton of housework and stuff this morning and decide to reward myself. But the cupboard sticks. I pound on it for 5 minutes and it still won't pop. **Brilliant idea coming** I grab a thin metal ruler to stick in there and try to pry it open. But apparently this pressboard desk is more powerful than a piece of steel. The ruler bends a little, comes loose, and then flings back and cracks me right in the nose, on that spot on the bridge that brings instant tears to your eyes. Pissed off and blind with tears, I lean against the desk. And my hand hits the cupboard door. And it pops open. Just for that - I'm eating TWO Reese eggs.

But thinking back, this is still not as stupid as the day I almost killed myself with paprika. I had made deviled eggs and the container of paprika was still open on the counter after I finsihed putting most everything away and cleaned up. I picked it up to put it away and a cloud of fine red dust rose from the container. I sneezed, banged my head forward on the bottom of the cupboard and fell flat on my ass on the floor - out cold. I came to just a few minutes later, hand banging, and the paprika still in my hand.