Friday, April 11, 2008

Don't panic..... I'm here now.

Okay people listen up. Now that I have officially been put in charge, there are going to be some drastic changes around here. This has been a long time coming, but it will be all right now. First and foremost is the issue of my official title. We should have our priorities, after all. I prefer "The Fairest Queen Amanda" but only because "The All-Knowing Trash Heap" is already taken.

Don't worry, I'm keeping everything fairly simple. And there's no point arguing, I'm not listening.

Let's start with the basics: Income tax is gone. No more of that crap. From now on, everybody just keep what they make. If you make $7/hour, that is what you will take home. Daylight Savings Time is a thing of the past as well. But only because no one has ever given me a truly good explanation or reason for it. Next, there will no longer, *ever* be a change in postal rates. I'm tired of buying new stamps every six months.

Now for those important little details:
Businesses must now keep set hours for everyday they are open. Example: My bank is open from 8-4 Monday thru Wednesday, 8:30-5 on Thursday, 8-5 on Friday, and 9:30-3:30 on Saturday. That is just damn ridiculous and nobody can ever remember when they are allowed in. The bank is officially open from 8-5.

Clothing sizes will become standard among brands. Example: I bought 3 pairs of jeans from three manufacturers. They all fit me exactly the same. One pair is an 8, one is a 10, and one is a 12. Again, ridiculously complicated.

On that same note: printer ink cartridges and cell phone chargers are also now going to be industry-wide standard.

Only the driver of the car is allowed to see or speak. Just like seat belts, it will now be law that all passengers who enter a car be blindfolded and gagged. I have three kids, I don't think I need to give an example on this one.

All movies will now be given an intelligence rating as well as a violence/language one. So that really dumb movie can be rated PG-13/D- and you can save the $8 on a movie ticket. I'm talking to you people who made things like Lake Placid 2 and Judge Dread.

Children's names like Ztyphannie and Braetleighn are now forbidden.

Those who have the hardest (yet least recognized) positions in the world, like teachers and nurses, are my Deputy Queens and should be treated accordingly.

And finally:
Thou shalt not yell at a police officer for giving you a ticket that you *know* you deserve
Thou shalt not throw garbage in thy neighbor's yard
Thou shalt not talk about a great party in front of those who are not invited
Thou shalt not talk or use text messaging in a theatre or cinema
Thou shalt not dispense of any body fluids in public places
Thou shalt not honk a horn/blare a radio in a residential neighborhood before 7 am
Thou shalt not take up more than one parking space in a lot

As always, these subjects are subject to change at any time, for any reason, or even just because I have a headache.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

I'm leavin' on a jet plane


Well, not really of course. I'd much rather take an old fashioned, cross-country train ride. Or a luxury cruise. But my friends in the little box on my desk have given me the assignment of picking a city somewhere that I would like to visit, and explain why. I have to admit that I have dug myself a comfortable little rut, and am quite happy in it. But I can tell you where I wouldn't like to visit. ((Warning: This will be filled with stereotypes complete and toall political incorrectness and some blatant rudeness. If this offends you, just walk away))

Let's stop at Australia first. No offense to Australians, I hear y'all are friendly & hospitable folks. I'm sure your country is lovely and gorgeous. However, I watch too much Discovery Channel. I could not swim at your beaches: you have 8 of the 10 deadliest sharks hanging out in those waters. Take a nice hike or even a leisurely stroll? Nope. The world's deadliest snakes and spiders live in your parts. Awwww, Amanda, but Australia has those cute little kangaroos. Wouldn't you love to see them? Again, a large and resounding NO. I've seen videos of those little buggers attacking.

Okay, let's try England. First off, it may be a horrible stereotype, but I have to say no thanks to England because of the food. Again, no offense, but y'all's stuff doesn't even have appetizing names. Blood pudding, tripe, spotted dick, fish that's been battered & fried to death and served with 'chips.' So let's skip England and try France. First of all, the French make me feel fat, even though I am not overweight. Again, the food is going to become an issue because you just don't serve enough. And I don't like wine, so I'd probably be ostracized anyway.

Italy....who can say no to Italy? I really don't have anything bad to say here. Parts of Italy are virtually teeming with wonderful History and beautiful landscapes & architecture. So Italy is a possibility.

China or Japan? I hate crowds. I hate loud noises. I hate fish. I don't think me and Southeast Asia would get along very well.

Canada I could get into. Beer and hockey. All I need is some good prize fights and I would die a happy girl. Canada is tying with Italy right now.

Egypt would be a wonderfully educational trip. I would love to walk the same lands as the Pharaohs did thousands of years ago. But I'm not big on heat. Or sand. I can spend 6 minutes on a beach and pick sand out of my ears and between my toes for a month. So I don't think Egypt would be a good choice.

Mexico?? Eh...well....see....I like to drink fresh water and I enjoy hot showers everyday. I don't like spicy food. Tequila and I parted ways many years ago.

Africa is next on our world tour. (What did you say? I'm jumping around too much for you? I don't care) I would love to see the Serengeti's and plains of Africa. I would love to take a safari tour to see those wonderful animals in their natural habitat. But see, I sort of have this base survival instinct of not wanting to get eaten. But if you go I would love to see pictures.

Ireland/Scotland/Northern Europe area. Once again, beautiful, educational & historic, peaceful, rolling greens and ancient castles. One of my greatest dreams was to take one of those walking tours of Ireland. But I would need to take an interpreter. Oh, they speak English? I'm sure they think so. Funnily enough, I love the sound of an Irish accent. Again, no offense, but I can't understand half of what y'all say.

So, is there any region I haven't offended mortally yet? I'm probably safer if I keep my feet on the soil of 3rd Street, if for no better reason than not getting mobbed by everyone I just insulted.

I can't believe I'm almost crying over this

When I woke up this morning, my 2 year old Toddler had almost shoulder-length silky strawberry blonde hair. He has a head full of cowlicks, and it always stuck up in every direction. Nothing I could do would make it lie flat. So I didn't and it was much cuter that way. He perpetually had "bed head" from 8 am until midnight.

A few days ago, my DearHusband brought home one of those hair cutting clipper sets with all the attachments. Because he can be vain, I decided to try it out on the kids first, who needed haircuts anyway.

Both OlderSon and MiddleSon like the 'fade' look so that it is cut almost to the skin at the nape of the neck, and gets a little longer and thicker at the crown and in front. And I managed it quite nicely. We got ToddlerSon up in the chair. Now, I have trimmed his bangs and around his ears many times, but I was worried. He was really good and sat still for me and everything. Just to make a matching set, I gave him a 'fade' cut as well. I was tearing up as those pretty soft locks fell to the floor.

He looks better....much more grown up and like a Little Boy instead of a Toddler. But I've been through this before, and I know it will never be the same. Once it has been cut drastically like that, it grows in darker and thicker, and never lays quite the same. I can't believe a haircut has me all shaky and emotional.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Is she really gonna tell a story about a vaccum??

Yes. Yes I am.

Two weeks ago what I thought was a funny incident was really an episode of karma turning around to bite me in the butt.

My kids and I were cleaning the house. We were almost done and were just vacuuming the floor. Knock on the door. To make a long story short, it was a vacuum cleaner salesman. He could see and hear my vacuum ( a beloved shop vac) running in the next room, and he still tried to sell me another. I managed to get him to go away without the use of a can of mace or a pitchfork. I thought it was funny, even if the guy was clueless and rude.

Cue a week later and my shop vac dies. Ah, karma.

90% of my house is carpeted. I tried, vainly, to keep the mess to a minimum while I waiting to go get a new vacuum. My dark blue carpet in one room looked horrible with every speck showing up. Not to mention the 3 growing boys in my house not helping matters.

So I go last night to purchase a new shop vac. I'm in the vast warehouse known as Lowe's. My mother accompanied me, because trips like this, as boring as they may seem, always turn into an adventure when she is along.

Lowe's does not have my 10 gallon shop vac in size. However, I didn't realize my own shop vac was a 5 gal. Both she & I own the same kind, and we thought they were 10 gallons. So I decided to go with was the next size up: 14 gallons. First off, in that store, with its huge ceilings and 2 mile long aisles, nothing looks "too big." The box did seem oddly large & heavy.

I get home and make dinner. Now, it had been almost a week since I had last been able to vacuum and I was jonesing for a fix. The kids, who weirdly like to run the vacuum, begged to go first. Huh-uh, sweetie. This was my new toy and I was going to take the first test run.

OldestSon and I take the shop vac out of the box. This thing is a monstrosity. It is so tall that it comes up past my waist, and I am not a short person. The tank is so large that both my younger children could fit inside. My arm could easily fit into the hose.

I tentatively turn it on. The casing is a no-nonsense gray color, like this thing knew it was built to be productive and dammit, that's what it was going to do. So basically I approached it like a sleeping tiger. And it purred. Not really, but the engine/motor/whatever just sort of gently starting humming. Okay, so far so good. I put the hose to my carpet. And the carpet actually gets pulled off the floor from the force. I swear this thing has a jet engine. It is so powerful it could probably suck the hair off my head if I cared to try it. (And don't laugh. Someone must've tried it before - how do you think those old Flow-Bee things got invented?!?)

Anything that works this good can't be cheap to run. I figure I will get a $500 electric bill for the 15 minutes I ran it. But there are some pros in this mess. If the kids are acting up and romping in their room, I can probably just put the hose to the ceiling and the force of the vacuum will hold them to the floor. If my DearHusband is working int he basement and I need his attention: Schlowock! And he will be stuck with his head to the beams yelling "Turn it off for the love of Gawd!"

Other pros: No more worrying about dealing with those pesky wasp nests that pop up in the garage eaves: just shop vac it. No more stretching to get the curtains down to wash: just shop vac it. No more worrying about Toddler trying to run out the front door: just shop vac him.

I'm gonna go sweep something......

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

A Baseball Story.....sort of

To tell you this story, I have to begin with some visual aids. No pics, though, because I keep forgetting to take my camera along to the park.

Okay, in my teeny tiny town, we have a very nice "park" type of area. I hesitate to call it a park because it doesn't really have a name, and it's sort of laid out funny.

It sits on a nice, long rolling hill. Here goes my attempt at the visual:

_________ Up here is parking area

_______This level is a nice shelter house/picnic area and courts for
tennis & basketball

__________ This level is open and grassy. There is a nice size playground and
a few benches.

___________This level is the Little League field, bleachers
concession stand and bathrooms

After the field, the hill flattens out and the public pool sits below that. Though technically that is a separate area and cannot be reached from the park. Alleys run uphill along both sides of the park. It is only fenced in with an ancient split-rail fence. There are gates to enter at the top near the parking lot and at the bottom near the field.

I, and many many others, have practically grown up in this place. Besides those of us that were dragged here to watch older brothers play baseball, there are also a lot of parties and activities planned for the space. The town Easter egg hunt, various church picnics, you get the idea.

Each level is mostly flat, and the hills that go down to the next are between 40-60 feet long. So if you are standing at the parking area yelling, no on in the play ground area can here you. Now, to watch my sons play ball, my family and I sit on the benches near the playground. Up there, we can sit & talk & complain about the coaches, spit out sunflower seed shells into the grass and other stuff.

Baseball season has started again. Most of the year, I am usually so proud of my little town and the people in it. And then baseball season starts and that all goes out the window. I see people doing the most unbelievable things. A mother changing a diaper on the bleachers. She laid down a blanket and changed a poopy diaper. Now, why couldn't she have moved away from the other people and laid that blanket on the grass? I have changed my child like that too many times to count, as have many others.

People making out with their Significant Others, people yelling & cursing at each other. The worst, by far, are those who let their dogs run, unleashed, around the park areas. And of course, about 95% of these people feel their dog can use this area as a large & convenient public toilet without having to pick up afterwards. Now, while there is a long walkway that runs from the parking level that goes all the way to the field, that is mostly only used by the adults. The older kids run barreling down the hill at top speed. Many of the younger kids like to roll down the hill. One older 'gentleman' (using the term loosely) does not have any relation to him playing ball. But he likes to walk his (leashed) dog in the park and stop to watch the kids play. I wouldn't have a problem with that. However, before he leaves, he walks his mutt up to the playground level to go to the bathroom! He lets the dog do its business, and then he heads back down the walkway, toward the field and out the lower gate. So it's not like it was on his way or anything.

I keep telling myself to just make it through one more season, just one more. But of course, this year both of my older sons are in the Minor League. Next year, OldestSon moves up to the Majors, MiddleSon stays in the minors. The year after that, Both of them will be in the Majors and I will have to start all over again with Toddler in tee ball.