I'd be stupid not to do this!

I am finally getting used to having a stranger moving in with us. Someone who will constantly demand things from me and run my life in general. Also, it's probably going to cost me an arm and a leg to give them room, board and food. The worst part is, the authorities will come after me if I even hint about throwing them out.

Now, for all you stupid people...you know who you are (maybe you don't know who you are!) this means we're having a baby. The baby books and child-rearing books never put it like I just did. Here's my example of baby-book-ese translated into English for all you wanna-be parents:

1. Having a child will change your life. Translation: Your life will never never be the same.

2. A baby is a joy to welcome into the family. Translation: As long as you are not the parents. It certaintly is wonderful for the grandparents, aunts and cousins who can come and visit, and then get to go home to their nice, quiet, clean house when the kid starts wailing.

3. Bonding with your baby is a wonderful thing. Translation: It sure is. Especially if you are a nursing mother. Nothing like sitting on the couch with your shirt over your head for 12 hours a day and a kid attached to the front of you to get a really strong bond going.

You probably think I am being way too negative, or, you're pyscho-analyzing me and thinking I'm scared out of my wits. (You'd be right on both counts, by the way) But this is actually going to be kid #3. I know the tricks and turns. I know how to wash the baby without drowning him, and I've yet to put a diaper on backwards.

All I'm saying is come into my home on a bad day. Then snap a few pictures. This would be the new poster for birth control.

TV's Rules To Live By

"Remember: the Eagle may soar but the weasel never gets sucked up into a jet engine." --Rick Simon, Simon and Simon
"The first thing to do when you're being stalked by an angry mob with raspberries, is to release a tiger." --John Cleese, Monty Python's Flying Circus
"Always enter a strange hotel room with extreme caution, especially one with a samurai warrior in it." --Thomas Magnum, Magnum P.I.
"If you can't fight 'em, and they won't let you join 'em, best get out of the county" --Pappy Maverick, Maverick
"Just keep laughin'" --Bozo the Clown, Bozo's Circus
"The older you get, the better you get-unless you're a banana." --Rose, The Golden Girls
"Like my old skleenball coach used to say, 'Find out what you don't do well, then don't do it.' " --Alf, ALF
"As we say in the sewer, if you're not prepared to go all the way, don't put your boots on in the first place." --Ed Norton, The Honeymooners
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape."
--Groucho Marx, You Bet Your Life
"It's been the lesson of my life that nothing that sounds that good ever really happens." --Alex Reiger, Taxi
"Never wear polyester underwear if you're going to be hit by lightning."
--Roz, Night Court
"A watched cauldron never bubbles." --Morticia Addams, The Addams Family