........is fear itself. Well, that might not be entirely accurate. But it's close. I am not scared of the dark, or spiders & snakes & creepy crawlies. I am not afraid of speaking in public or heights. I am not afraid of ghosts or aliens or axe murderers. Scary movies, roller coasters and such don't faze me a bit. (Once again, this is for my friends who live in my computer!) My one true fear is completely idiotic and irrational.
I am absolutely terrified of embarrassing myself. Not that I mind 'making a scene' it's more like 'making a spectacle.' The worst thing I can imagine is humiliating myself in front of people, whether they be friends or strangers. I just know that I am going to burp or fart or throw up on my shoes or something. It doesn't even have to be someone with power or authority or someone who intimidates me. It can be my neighbor or the clerk at the dollar store. The idea that I am going to do something stupid or embarrassing or worse haunts me.
After having a conversation with someone where things didn't go quite right (for whatever reason - possibly real, possible in my own overactive imagination), I will replay that for days. Analyzing everything I did or said and physically get the shakes thinking about it. I know it is completely irrational, and even a little egotistical. I mean, come on Amanda. Not everyone cares so much about you that they are going to remember you said/did that. But the fear plagues me anyway.
The fear of embarrassing myself is constant, but it only effects my life in small ways. I can not use a public toilet for 'longer' visits. What if I stink it up or make nasty noises or something and someone walks in and it smells really bad and they know it was me?
I cannot leave the house if I am feeling even slightly upset to my stomach. What if I need to find a restroom suddenly and can't? What if I can find one...and that just leads me back to me first point of probably not being able to use it anyway. What if I throw up on my shoes?
I cannot eat a large meal, especially at a restaurant, and then go on with my day. What if I get gas? What if my breath is raunchy? What if I suddenly get food poisoning and throw up on my shoes? (Can you see that throwing-up-on-my-shoes thing is the biggest?) Basically I won't go anywhere on a full stomach. If I have something to do at 6 pm that requires me to be out of the house for a few hours, I will not eat after about 10 am. Just in case.
I have a lot of trouble walking alone across open spaces in front of lots of people. What if I trip and fall? Who cares if I fall, what if I just stumble? What if my pants are sliding down and my butt is showing and I don't notice? What if I just look plain stupid? Will they laugh? You wonder why I wasn't Homecoming Queen? I would have had to take that walk across the football field with thousands of people watching me. (Who cares that I wasn't nominated to be HQ, because even if I had I couldn't have done it)
It's not that I can't eat in a restaurant or use a bathroom or walk. I just don't want to embarrass myself. And that's what it all comes down to. It doesn't matter. I just know I will do something humiliating and people will remember and talk about it and I won't be able to forget it and it will stay with me forever and keep me up at nights and then I get even more embarrassed. I told you it was irrational.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
You're right we won't laugh at you but I will give you tons of *hugs*
When I was in 2nd grade (which made this even worse) I was wearing one of my mom's skirts (pinned so that it would fit me) for a costume and I guess it came undone (I don't remember exactly HOW it happened just that it did) and it fell right off of me in front of my entire choir class which was about half of the 2nd grade classes put together. I wanted the floor to eat me up. So I COMPLETELY understand that fear
I have pretty much the same fear. I don't know if I'm going to have a chance to write about my phobias this week (since it's the week from hell) but I could probably just copy-paste yours and it would be perfect. It doesn't help that I'm a bigger girls, so I feel like everyone's staring at me for that anyway.
When I was in junior high, I farted during gym class. This was not one of those silent-but-deadly that I could have denied making, oh no, this was the sound of an entire flock of Canadian geese landing in our gym. :-O My classmates, bless their pointed heads, talked about it for the next two months...and after that, it was on to someone else's embarrassing moment (kids + hormones + awkwardness= lots of embarrassing moments.) So yes, I understand "Will the floor please eat me NOW?"
--Krista
Post a Comment