New Rules For Dieters

Ok, it's that season again when I realize it is 6 weeks or so until I will be seen in a bikini. I look better now than I did in high school, and for that I'm extremely grateful. However, having a baby this winter has added a few extra pounds I'd rather not be carrying. So I invented some rules of my own to help shed the poundage.

1. Calories are afraid of heights. My mother taught me this one. You place all your junky, fatty foods on the highest shelves of the cupboard and the calories, who are running for their lives, will simply jump out.
2. Calories consumed while driving or while working on the computer do not count.
3. Any food eaten at parties or picnics or any type of holiday/family affair will not add to your fat factor. It is just not fair to ask your body to fight off food consumed at something you were invited to (this is doubly so if you had to purchase and bring a gift to said party).
4. If you don't remember eating it, it doesn't count either.
5. Eating candy from the kids' Easter baskets doesn't matter. After all, it's their candy, not yours.
6. It is perfectly okay to eat something like broccoli or cauliflower smothered with cheese. Duh! It's broccoli!
7. Any food consumed during the preparation of other food doesn't count.
8. If you haven't eaten anything else at all all day long, half a bag of Cheetos will consume the space in your body that is vacant, and will not add extra fat.
9. If you use a cookie jar that makes noise when opened, or one of those refridgerator policemen, use a piece of duct tape over the speaker, or better yet, take out the batteries. Theory being that if no one hears, it didn't happen.
10. From now on, all the following will count as exercise: Singing in the shower, typing, carrying a heavy laundry detergent bottle from the car to the washing machine, shoe shopping, manicures & pedicures, and of course, brushing your teeth.

Happy dieting, and good luck!