25 Things I've Learned In 24 Years

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the numbers of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe "Daylight Savings Time."
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now when there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms in the Middle East will still be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
9. The one thing that untes all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we all believe we're better drivers than every body else.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "Three Quirky But Attractive Young People Living In An Apartment." And then the next time they need something it comes out with "Six Quirky But Attractive Young People Living In An Apartment." And so on. We need to locate this ocmputer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
*The universe is even bigger than they thought!
*There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
*Whatever they announced last year about global