At least we're safe until she procreates....

I'm going to preface this post be saying I hate to cook. Or at least I used to. Then the kids came along, I became a SAHM, and fish sticks and take out pizza just didn't cut it anymore. I am not known as a fantastic cook, but I am infamous as a creative cook. I think it's my inner Mad Scientist that loves the idea of combining many foreign items and turning them into something edible. Usually. I can turn a Thanksgiving turkey into 20 different incarnations. Pork chops and chicken breasts are my medium for art.

Now I am going to relate a story that is entirely true, but names have been changed to protect the terminally stupid. Our characters today are SP {Smarter Person} and DA {Dumb Assistant}. Admit it, you thought I was going to call DA something else. Geez you've got a mean streak!

So the characters: SP and DA. The setting: A normal kitchen

SP is at the counter, showing DA how to make homemade taco seasoning mix. Cheap, tastes better than the storebought, easy. There is a skillet of ground beef cooking on the stove. It is time let loose the inner Mad Scientist and begin mixing things. Ground beef is drained & rinsed. Seasoning & water have been added. SP is adding a little extra salt to the mix, and salt shaker slips from hand, allowing some salt to pour into the burner SP & DA are using. Some, for people who can eyeball measurements like SP can, being about a teaspoon or so. Here's where it gets interesting.

DA: Whips skillet off burner and quickly turns the dial to off
SP: What in the hell are you doing?
DA: You spilled salt on the burner! Are you trying to burn down my kitchen?!?
SP: Calmy brushes excess salt away, turns burner back on and replaces skillet
SP: Do you remember before Christmas when the grease caused a little flare up on the back burner?
DA: Yes.
SP: Do you remember what I poured on the burner to quickly stop small fire from becoming big fire?
DA: Yes. You grabbed the big container of salt and dumped it on there.
SP: Gives DA a fixed stare, trying hard to keep hands on skillet and off of DA's neck
DA: (realization sinking in) Oh! Hahaha!

In all fairness, DA is not truly dumb. Clueless and naive....yes.

Okay, end of narration, confession time begins. When I first started cooking I cook make about 3 things that didn't come out of a pouch or box that you just added water to. Spaghetti, scrambled eggs and baked potatoes. (But I could bake a mean corndog, damnit!) I learned, with a lot of help from those pouches and boxes. I was clumsy at first. (But again, in all fairness, I am uber-clumsy IRL. Walls walk in front of me and I trip over lint on the floor) I spilled ingredients, cut myself, and burned everything from the corn muffins to my fingers. I can now cook a full T-Day dinner while reading a Harry Potter novel and teaching math to a second grader at the same time. So, I can forgive some initial stupidity. Hell, I invented intial stupidty.

But if I, oops, I mean SP, am to continue giving DA cooking tips, I need to know if anyone out there has a hard hat, an asbestos suit and some strong sedatives for sale.